I am at a philosophy conference/convention. I am a bit older, but most likely only by a few years; it feels that I am a couple or so years into my PhD program. I am going to present a paper here at this conference, which, from the sounds and busy-ness and people bustling about, seems to be a big conference. I found a very small room--it actually looks like it could have been a large closet of some kind, like a large storage closet--that has a chalkboard in it, one of those kinds on wheels and that flips so you can write on the other side. It's a green board. There is a window behind the board, but the white blinds are pulled completely down and closed. The walls are that very pale grey-blue that so many institutions have nowadays. I can't now recall whether there is carpet in the room, but I know there is out in the hall, a dark blue carpeting, the industrial kind that are, again, found in institutional buildings that have to put up with a lot of foot traffic. I am working on and thinking about some of the stuff I will be presenting, and I start writing some things out on the board, seems to be a few things that are unresolved for me, or things that I'm trying to clarify. And then I hear in the hall just outside some familiar voices: one in particular is my grandmother that passed away a few years ago, the other, or others, I do not get a chance to verify. They are looking for me. My immediate thought runs something like this: *Sigh* Why are they here? Why did they have to come? I hope they don't find me, I really don't feel like talking to them. I wish they would just go away. Of course, I believe they talk to someone who points them in the right direction to find me, and they do. I hear my grandmother greet me from behind, as I'm facing the chalkboard. I can actually feel my dream self rolling my dream eyes. I hesitate in responding, and rather finish writing something on the board, I want to look too busy to really talk. I pause for a second, dreading this moment of having to turn around, but I do, and with a disingenuine smile, greet them and say hello. My grandmother talks, but I have no interest in listening nor paying attention, so I have no idea what she says. I nod my head and make sure that I am appearing to them like they are bothering me, as I am busy with this and I have very little time left to work on it, so I'd really appreciate it if they would go away and perhaps we can talk later, after the presentation. I am very annoyed that they came at all. And I wonder why they bother to try to take part in my life anymore, which is so detached from the "normal" part of our society and culture. I'm an academic now, this is my life, but furthermore, I'm a philosopher, and I don't even like most academics because I don't think they are genuine enough for this field. I have no interest in engaging in nor being much of a part of the "normal" part of our society, or any society for that matter. I just want to do philosophy, my passion, the only thing I think is truly worth living for.

This is how I felt in the dream. But I know that it's pretty obviously how I do feel in real life as well. Although, I would say in all honesty that there are maybe a few family members that I don't desire to cut off completely from my life. However, I would admit that there can be little connection between them and my lifestyle and my work. I feel that I want to stay in contact with them, for the most part, in general, but that it is impossible to include them in my life, playing some real role in my life. I think that is why I really rather like living so far away from them that it's almost impossible to visit--for them and for me--and so contact is only through email and phone calls. I like that. In some sense, this bothers me because I desire to go to school in New England, but I have a lot of family out there, and I imagine they would want to spend time with me. I suppose all of this makes me sound like a complete jerk, but mentally, intellectually, emotionally, I really am just not part of my family. I feel almost no emotional ties to any of them, no motivation to keep any sort of connection, except a few, but even then, the connection is distanced and detached. (A connection that is specifically defined as detached? Awesome.)